If anyone knows anything about Sibling Rivalry, it’s the Lehmans.

My husband came from a family of five kids.  I had two brothers.  We have three boys.

Yeah, we know sibling rivalry.

I wasn’t always sure, however, how to deal with it.  Until I found Love and Logic. I listened to the Sibling Rivalry Cd over and over and over and I learned sooooo much.

If you are dealing with (or better yet, know you are going to deal with in the future) sibling rivalry, I guarantee that you will have an easier time with it if you prepare yourself with some Love and Logic tips and techniques!

So here are the points I have found that help us the most!

First of all, it will happen.  No matter how hunky-dory your kids may get along, there will be some level of sibling rivalry!

Focus on the things that you CAN control about your children’s fighting, arguing and overall not getting along.  Here are a few tips from the latest L& L Insider’s Club Email.

1. Whether we do extra things for kids who are battling with each other.

It’s perfectly reasonable for a parent to say, “This is such a bummer. I’m tired-out from listening to you arguing with each other. I don’t have the energy to drive you to your friends’ houses.”

2. Whether we allow certain items to remain in our homes.

A friend of ours said to her kids, “This is so sad. Every time you guys play with that game you get in a fight. I gave it away so it wouldn’t be a problem anymore.”

3. Whether we allow their fighting to interrupt our responsibilities and time.

Have you ever noticed how kids tend to argue and bicker with each other when you are trying to do something that requires your complete attention such as trying to talk on the phone? If you feel secure that your kids won’t harm each other, it’s probably best to say, “This is really draining my energy. You guys need to work this out or go your separate ways.”

4. Whether we give them “bonding opportunities.”

When your kids start to battle with each other, experiment with saying, “Sounds like you guys need some bonding time.” Then assign them some chores to give them an opportunity to feel the love.

I love these tips. They are quick and easy to remember.  If you are drowning in sibling rivalry, write those points down and stick them on the fridge!  Step back from arguing with your kids and let them handle their own battles!


My favorite thing to do when my boys are fighting is to make them sit on opposite ends of the couch.  Then, they have to sit there and talk out the problem they are having. At first I had to sit in between them so they wouldn’t pummel one another and I helped them talk things out, taught them how to voice what they wanted and then offered suggestions on how to solve the problem.  Now, they can usually handle it on their own.   Even at 5 and 6, Charlie and Chase can problem solve! It’s wonderful!  

But it hasn’t come easily and it was WORK.  But the end result is so worth it!  

So when I see them fighting, all I have to say is “To the couch!” and they know what to do.  Then, if no agreement can be made or they refuse to talk or calm down, they just sit!  Doesn’t bother me!  They are each responsible for when the other can get up.  So, Chase decides when Charlie is done sitting and Charlie decides when Chase is done sitting.  Once in awhile, one will get ridiculous and say, “I am NEVER letting you get up!” And I may have to step in, but generally, they both agree when it’s time to get up and let each other off the hook.  It works!  The fight usually ends in agreement or at least a, “Let’s just forget about it and go play something else.”  Which works for me too!


So be bold with your ideas and make your kids responsible for their own behavior when it comes to sibling rivalry!  Don’t step in to every argument they have.  You will just wear yourself out!  Set limits, control what you can and step back and let them do the work!


Never work harder on your child’s problems than they do!!!

This is not a sponsored or paid post.

I receive the Love and Logic Parenting Insider’s Club newsletter (which I LOVE, by the way) and I got this little tid-bit in my inbox the other day. I just loved what it said and wanted to share it with you!  I added a few of my own thoughts in italics. Cause I like to get in the last word and stuff.

Do your kids wipe their feet on you like a doormat? Do you ever find yourself grieving because you’ve lost the dream of having kind, appreciative kids?

You’re not alone, and there are steps you can take to begin turning things around.

* On a daily basis, remind yourself that you deserve to be treated with the same level of respect with which you treat your kids. (This means you should be, you know, respecting your kids)
Maintaining this attitude of self-respect gives us the intestinal fortitude to expect respect in a respectful way.

* Don’t move on until you’ve neutralized arguing. (For the love of all things good and holy, DO NOT ARGUE WITH YOUR KIDS)
This means repeating something like, “I love you too much to argue,” instead of getting pulled into a debate.

* When you become good at neutralizing arguments, begin setting small yet completely controllable limits.
Pick small issues that you have total control over. Then set limits you are prepared to enforce. For example: “I’ll get that for you when I hear ‘please.'” (It’s easy to forget to respond to bad behavior because you are used to it, like when someone screams, “Get me water!” you do. Don’t do it! EXPECT better behavior! Be on guard!)

Since you’ve already mastered the ability to stay out of arguments, you’ll be prepared for your child’s reaction.

* Remember to model an assertive, respectful and empathetic attitude.
When we’ve been treated badly by our kids, it’s easy to fall into the trap of providing consequences with a “get-even” attitude. If we do, our kids will sense this and rebel. (ie: I’ll give you something to cry about it ain’t gonna cut it, try instead: “Ohhh, this is so sad. When you can speak to me nicely I’ll be happy to listen to you.” and walk away from the smart mouthed kid before your urge to slap ’em upside the head emerges. What?!)

* Begin to set progressively larger limits.
When our youngsters begin to see that we can handle smaller situations without backing-down or losing our cool, it becomes easier to set and enforce limits over big issues. (practice makes perfect!)

The key to rebuilding respect from our kids involves proving to them that we can handle them without getting frustrated or angry. In my CD, Oh Great! What do I do now?, I provide more practical tips for making this happen. (Totally in love with these CDs. Get one or two or all of them)

What do ya think?! Pure gold, isn’t it?!  This isn’t a paid post, by the way.  I just truly love Love and Logic Parenting and what it has done for us! Hope you learned something too!

But if you DO want to buy the book, use my little Amazon Affiliate links to the side there or the button below and I’ll get like 20 cents! I live large, people.

I think it’s one of the most dreaded statements a parent can hear come out of their child’s mouth.


YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!

It sends shivers up your spine, no?  I think the reason the shivers appear at the sound of it is because we know….they are right!  We can’t make our kids do anything they don’t want to do.

I mean, we can try.  We can threaten them within inches of their life and give them the “mommy glare” and they might do what we ask of them with a chip on their shoulder and a mumble under their breath.

But the more and more I attempt at honing my parenting skills, the more I realize that I just don’t want to be that kind of parent.  Because, one day, one day not that far from today, the mommy glare will not work.  They will be too big for me to put over my knee.  They will be mini adults making grown up decisions.  Those are the moments, the should I try this alcohol even though I’m underage moments, when they are far from my gaze and all they have is my voice inside their head, their own thoughts and ideas about choosing right and wrong.

I can not make them choose the right thing then…so why should I try to make them do it now?

Are you seeing what I’m getting at here?   Every single day, the price tag of the mistakes our kids make gets more expensive.  Today we teach them to choose the right thing and share their toys, in a few years they choose the right thing and decide to not share the cigarette with a friend.

Yes, I think it is that simple.

So here are some tips on changing your behavior so you can teach your child that life is full of choices and there are consequences, both good and bad, to follow those choices.

*Always give options.

This has to be the simplest thing you can do for your child.  Giving options, even small ones, gives your child a sense of control.  Take control away from a human being and you have a robot.  Take control away from a toddler and you have a tantrum waiting to happen.  I don’t want little kid robots.  And I’ve done enough years of tantrums to tell you…you don’t want those either.  I want responsible human beings with good decision making skills.  So teach them, teach them how to make good choices.  How?  Give options:

“Would you like to go the bathroom now or after you get on your pajamas?”

These little spurts of decision making for little ones, shows them that you know they know how to make choices.  As they grow, the options become larger:

Would you like to wake up with an alarm or are you going to just hope you wake up in time for school?

And then….oh God help me…

Would you like to pay for the car insurance all up front or in a monthly fee?

Inevitably, you will ask one of these questions and the answer will be: NEITHER…AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME.

…deep breaths…

Your response?

You are right, I can’t make you do anything.  So I will give you another choice:

Then you pull out the big guns:

That’s fine if you do not want to go to the bathroom before bedtime, but if you wet the bed, you will have to clean the sheets and blankets in the morning…and a new mattress costs about $50 or the equivalent of (insert expensive, favorite toy here).  So that’s fine…you decide.

Would you like to ride the bus for free or would you like to pay me $3 to pay for the gas to bring you to school? (works great for kids who oversleep or lolly-gag and always miss the bus)

Let me know when you decide about how you are going to pay the insurance, until then, I know you can figure out a way to get to and from all of your school and sports obligations

And then either, A) They will see that you are not giving in and will make a reasonable decision or B) They will keep fighting you.

What do you do?  You got it, more options:

If your bed wetter still insists on not going to the bathroom, let them go to bed.   Yes, let them.  When they have an accident in the morning…DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, give in.  Follow through..
“Uh-oh, looks like you wet your bed.  Let me know when you get all of the sheets pulled off the bed and I will start the washer for you.  Then you can decide how you are going to pay me for the damages to the mattress.” 

“Looks like you missed the bus. How would you like to pay me for the gas that it will take for me to drive you to school today?  Your allowance or your birthday money you have saved?”

“I’d be happy to drive where you need to go if you’d like to pay me for the gas, otherwise, here is the number to the local taxi service, but remember, they only accept cash, so be prepared for that.”

Get creative with the consequences, use what will work for your kids, what will motivate them.

But make sure it makes sense for the crime. 

Taking away the tv from a 3 year old will not teach them how to follow the bed time routine without having a fit.  But making them give up their favorite toy for damage payment and miss Curious George in the morning because they are too busy stripping blankets off their bed every morning might.

Grounding a child for a month  for missing the bus repeatedly does not teach them how to get up and get themselves ready on time every day. But making them use their birthday money that they have been saving towards a new video game might.

Allowing your teenager to skip out on the insurance while you cover their butt while saying, “you owe me one” will not teach them responsible vehicle management.  But making them tak a cab or (gasp) walk to school and extra curricular activities until they pay might.

More tips:  

Don’t argue in between option giving.  Give them options clear and straight forward.

If you get upset, walk away, tell your child you will discuss it when you are both calm. 

OR, make the bed wetter wear pull-ups, let the middle-schooler get an unexcused absence and support the school’s discipline actions for skipping school, don’t allow the teenager to drive the family car if he can not afford to pay the car insurance on their own vehicle.

Get tough, be firm, show them that you say what you mean and you mean what you say.  When they can not make reasonable decisions, make them for them.  Not with anger, not with judgment, in a very simple, matter-of-fact a decision needs to be made so I will make it for you way.

Sure, these options may seem harsh, but life isn’t a cake walk.  No one makes my husband get up and go to work in the morning.  Sure, if someone stood over him, threatening to beat him if he didn’t, he’d go.  But he doesn’t go because he has to.  He goes because he wants to.  He wants to provide for his family, he wants to pay his bills, he wants to do the right thing.

There are plenty of people in this world who do not get up and go to work because they simply do not not want to.  They’d rather mooch off their parents and friends, rack up an unhealthy amount of credit card debt and dig themselves into a hole of self loathing and “Why doesn’t anything good ever happen for me”.  You can imagine that their parents did not teach them cause and affect with real life consequences.

So stop trying to MAKE your child “obey you or else”.  Start giving option after option after practical option. Make the decisions theirs.  Make the problems theirs. 

LOVING the ideas I’m getting from this book. It’s saving my life, and I’m not just saying that because they sent me a free book and if you click on the link below and buy it I will make like 30 cents. Promise.  I really can’t enough good things about it!

I’m signed up for the Love and Logic Institute’s Insider’s Club newsletter which is like a little gold nugget of parenting advice in my inbox every week. This week’s was a quick note and reminder about getting kids to think. It was such awesome insight and I wanted to share it with you!

So here is an excerpt straight form the email. I’d really encourage you to sign up for the emails yourself!!

Have you ever stopped to think about what a blessing it is to be a good thinker? Now I’m not necessarily talking about being a genius or intellectually gifted. I’m mostly referring to being able to use good problem-solving skills and good old-fashioned common sense.

* Allow them to mess up. Too frequently, we step in and tell kids exactly what to do when we worry that they might make a mistake. When the consequences are small, allow them to blow it and learn.


Now that is some awesome insight right there!  If you’d like to read more, check out my favorite parenting book, Parenting With Love and Logic over at my Amazon Store!


I was not paid to say any of this, I just really love me some Love and Logic. 🙂

That title is a tough one, isn’t it?  Just the thought of it makes me want to throw this book in the garbage.  But the wisdom in the idea of letting our kids fail is so deep, I just have to make myself embrace it and let the helicopter land for a bit.

As I continue to read Parenting with Love and Logic I am finding myself so much stronger in my confidence as a parent.  It really feels so good to have practical ideas and thoughts about parenting in my Mommy tool belt.  Here are a few thoughts about letting your kids fail that I read recently.

The basic idea here is that unless we allow our children to fail, we can not allow them to choose success.

Love and Logic helps kids raise their odds of becoming thinking individuals who choose success.  As parents, this means that we must allow for failures and help our kids make the most of them during their elementary school days, when the price tags are still reasonable.

We can hurt a little as we watch them learn life’s lessons now, or we can hurt a lot as we watch them grow up to be individuals unable to care for themselves.

These are all points that I took straight from the book.  It’s like gold, isn’t it?  Here are my thoughts:

When I do not allow my children to fail, I am teaching them that no matter what happens, Mommy and Daddy will always fix your problems for you.  Whether it’s a broken toy at 6 or a crashed car at 16, I want my kids to know that they can handle their problems and that Mom and Dad will always be there for them as support.  Does that make sense?  Let’s see an example:

Chase breaks a toy due to, let’s say, extreme boy behavior.  He comes to me crying, “I broke my toy!”  my response could be:

“Oh, that’s just terrible! Here, let me see it, let me see if I can fix it. OH NO.  I can’t fix, I’m so sorry!”
Chase falls into heaping mess on the floor, screaming.
“Oh, honey, don’t cry!  Here, look, Mommy will ask Daddy to fix it, Mommy will keep trying, Mommy will buy you a new one, do you want a cookie to make you feel better? Please don’t cry my sweet little gum drop sugar plum angel face baby boy.”

OR

“I broke my toy!”
“Oh, no, how did that happen?”
“I was throwing it and it just broke!”
“Oh, that’s too bad.  When I get too rough with my stuff, something bad usually happens too.  What are you going to do about it?”   (note: this is said with true empathy and love, NOT sarcasm)
“I don’t know, YOU fix it!”
“I’d be happy to help you out with this problem when you speak to me nicely.”
“Mommy, would you please help me fix it?”
“Sure, let me see here…oh, I’m so sorry, it doesn’t look like it is something that I can fix.”
Chase falls into heaping mess on the floor, screaming.
“I can see how upset you are about this.  When you are ready to calm down, let me know and you and I can work together to figure out a solution to your problem.”
So when he becomes calm, we will talk about ways to get the toy fixed (ask daddy, use his saved money to buy a new one, chalk it up to a lesson learned and talk about not being too rough with our toys).

The consequence?  The broken toy.  If it was a toy he liked, that is a big enough consequence on it’s own.  If it was not and he continues to show careless behavior with his toys, we may need to have this conversation:

“Mom, where are my toys?”
“Ohhhh, it’s kind of a bummer…”
“What?!”
“Since you are having a hard time remembering to be gentle with your toys, I took them away for a couple of days, you know, to protect them.  I’m sure you’ll find something else to do for now.”

So the first example is maybe a bit exaggerated, but really not too far from some of our truths, is it?

The second example is me showing empathy and placing the problem back into Chase’s hands.  I did not make it my problem. I did not rescue him.  I did not fix it for him.  Sure sometimes, we do need to step in, that’s common sense.  But if we raise our kids with the idea in their heads, “If I screw this up, how am I going to fix it?” as opposed to “I’m not going to worry about the consequences, Mom and Dad will just take care of this later (like they always do).  For now, I’m just gonna have some fun!”  Well, it’s easy to see how they will respond when the problem is:

“MOM, I just crashed my car.”
“Oh, no, are you ok, what happened?”
“Yes, I’m fine.  I was driving too fast/being careless/changing the radio station/etc”
“I’m so glad you are ok.  Don’t worry honey, I’m sure you know how to handle this.  Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you.”

I know, I know, easier said than done, and I don’t have teenagers yet.  But I was a teenager once and I did watch my poor parents deal with two teenage boys, so I can really see where this mind set will work if started early enough with our kids.

Another thought… don’t rush in to prevent mistakes.  Let them get the answer wrong on heir homework once in awhile.  How about instead of stressing yourself out about that report due in two days that your middle-schooler forgot about, you let them get a failing grade and as a result, can not play school sports until the grade is raised.  GASP, I know.  That’s not a bad parent, that’s a parent teaching their child responsibility.

So what do you think?  I’d love to hear your thoughts on this and we can all use some more ideas and advice!