Category Archives: My kids are funnier than your kids

I’m Raising Supporters of Breastfeeding…Apparently

Charlie: Mom, how old was Chewie when we got him?

Me: He was about eight weeks old.

Charlie: Why didn’t we get him when he was first born?

Me: Because newborn puppies need to stay with their mommies so they can drink her milk.

Charlie: Oh, poor Chewie. I bet he misses his mommy’s boob.

And then I died.

Charlie and Chewie. Lovers of breastfeeding. I guess.

My Kids Are Funnier Than Your Kids

Just a few examples of why my kids are funnier than yours.

Me: Charlie, please help clean the playroom.
Charlie: But I didn’t play with any of this.
Me: Well I didn’t wear any of your clothes but I’m still washing them for you.
Charlie: I don’t get the point.

Me: Chandler, you have chocolate on your face.
Chandler: Yeah, I know, I’m saving it in case I want a snack later.
PS – He was kind of serious.

Chase: Indians don’t exist.
Chandler: Yes they do!
Charlie: If Indians exist, then Cowboys exist too!
Chandler: Guys, listen, North America was discovered by the white people…I mean….certain people.(So politically correct, that one.) The Indians knew it was here first, they just didn’t tell anyone, then we found it.  I’m in third grade, I’ve been going to school for five years now so I know a lot more than you.

Chandler: Mom this dinner isn’t good…it’s awesome!
Charlie: Yeah, Mom super yummy.
Chase: Well, it’s not dog food.

(Talking about what they will be when they grow up)
Chandler: I would not want to be a guy who tests dangerous things that can explode stuff.
Chase: Yeah, like yourself.

Me: Chase, will you live with me forever and ever?
Chase: Only until I’m big enough to get my own house.
Me: No, I want you to stay with me forever!
Chase: No way! That means I would have to do the dishwasher for the rest of my life!

And this.

And this.

I rest my case.

What funny things have your kids said lately?

That’s Not What I Meant!

So the boys were arguing in the back seat of the van. I hear Charlie yell:


Me: Charlie, that doesn’t sound like something we should say to each other.

Charlie: Mom, I meant suffer the consequences of GOODNESS! Like, if you don’t do what I say, I’m going to put a lot of goodness on you!

Sure. That is definitely what he meant.

A Lesson On Kindness…Charlie Style

At my boys’ school, there is a big focus on kindness. In an effort to ward off the bullying problem that so many schools deal with and because they have a  holistic approach to teaching kids. It’s about more than just academics. They really want to teach the kids how to be good people. (Which, hello, I LOVE!)

I love backing up what they are learning at school at home. That is one reason why I love volunteering in their classrooms. I go home and use the same language as their teachers and they look at me like, “Man, you know about that too!” It’s great.

My boys are really kind at school. I have heard from all of their teachers that they are pleasant and never mean. Always thoughtful. Well that’s just fan-freakin-tastic because at home they go at it like professional boxers.

Kindness? What is that? Apparently it doesn’t apply to brothers.

So I am super duper pulling the kindness card and trying to teach kindness is to be shown to EVERYONE, yes, even your brothers.

On the way to school, they boys were arguing in the back seat. (Wow, that’s different.)

Me: Excuse me, but where is the kindness?

Charlie: It’s in God’s Word!


Me: Well it needs to be in your heart and in your words.

This precious child then belts out a very loud rendition of Barney:


And then the other two boys join in:


What in the world am I going to do with these children.

Dirty Underwear = Forget. Swear Word = REMEMBER FOREVER!

This summer we went along with my husband to the Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in Ohio. We took some time to visit the National Museum of the US Air Force. It was amazing to our three boys as we strolled through rooms and rooms full of military planes.

We came across this one plane that had a swear word on it. Of course, my middle son read it aloud, totally oblivious to the fact that it was a swear word. Our oldest hung his head and practically died right there on the spot because people around us were chuckling. It went something like this:

Chase: “Mom! Look at that plane! It’s called The Strawberry Bitch! What a funny name for a plane!”

Chandler: “Oh my goodness, MOM. Did you hear what he just said! Oh my gosh. I am SO EMBARRASSED.”

Crowd of people around us: “giggle, giggle, snicker, snicker”

Me: LAUGHING OUT LOUD (I’m such a good role model.)

Chase: “What?”

Chandler: “OH MY GOODNESS.” Walks away so as to not be associated with us embarrassing swearing people.

Then I got a hold of myself and explained to Chase that the “B” word can be used as a swear word so he really shouldn’t say it. He was all embarrassed and almost cried because he thought he was in trouble. We assured him that it was totally ok, just don’t say it anymore. And then we moved on. (After I took a picture and posted it to Facebook, of course.)

Fast forward to last week, months later, and out of the blue he says, “Mom, remember that one plane we saw at the museum that had that ooh-la-la lady on it with that ONE swear word that I said – but don’t worry I won’t say it – and then we laughed after I said it? That was funny, huh?”

Me: “Oh, you remember that, huh?”

Chase: “Of course, it was so funny!”

Me: “Oh yeah, I hardly remember that.”

Chase: “Oh, I do! I remember it!”

Well isn’t that nice. The kid can’t remember to put his dirty underwear in the hamper but he can remember this.


Busted By a Ten Year Old

Me: “Aren’t you SO excited for school to start again?!”

Chandler: “You are only excited for us to go so you can get a break from us.”

Me: “Noooo…I just want you to be well educated!”

Chandler: “And go out for coffee with your friends.”

Me: “uhhhh…welllll….you want some ice cream?!”

Chandler: “YEP.”

100% = The Percentage of a Chance That I’ll Get a Note From the Teacher About This

Chandler, my ten year old, was doing his math homework last night. He had to go through magazines and find phrases that included percentages.  So he handed me his paper when he was done and showed me this:

I glanced through them and did a double take. I then busted out laughing. Here’s why:

See the brown strip?

It says, “For 90% of women, menstrual bleeding is dramatically reduced or stopped.”

He asked what I was laughing about and I lied, of course, and said nothing.

He never asked what it meant. THANK GOD. Because I wouldn’t have told him. I thought about making him take it off but then I would have to explain why. And I just wasn’t in the whole birds and the bees talk mood.

I’m sure his teacher needs a good laugh anyway.

God I hope they don’t have to read their answers to the class.

I just thought of that possibility.

You are welcome in advance fellow parents for teaching your children the word menstrual.

Oh boy.

An Ankle

Charlie: Mom I think I have an ankle on my face.

Me: A what?

Charlie: AN ANKLE. You know, those little red dots you get on your face.

Me: Oh, you mean a PIMPLE?

Charlie: Yeah, that.